We did some work on body idioms and it got me thinking.

The patient at the doctor’s,

was feeling rather strange

So he set out all his symptoms,

their severity and range.

Though his illness might confuse you

I’ll report it faithfully

And give his words exactly

As they were told to me.

“I need to share my secret,

to get this off my knee,

I hope that we’ll see nose to nose

and you’ll agree with me.

It’s making me cry my toes out

and costs me a foot and an arm.

Please stick out your bum and lend me a thumb

Before I come to harm.

It started when I was knocked over

By a terrier chasing his ball

I went foot over ear, landed flat on my head

And was dazed and confused by the fall.

I tried to have words with the owner

I was angry, in fact my skin boiled

But my thoughts felt twisted, my efforts ham-wristed

And the words that came out were all spoiled.

‘Be brave,’ said my mum, ‘best rib forwards,

take liver, and earlobe your troubles.’

But I struggle to get my neck round it

And each day my confusion just doubles.

You’ve got to help me doctor

I can’t armpit it any more

I can see you’re all teeth, please give me relief

And make things as they were before.”

The doctor peered over her glasses,

and got to the problem at hand

Setting out for her patient, quite simply

The restorative treatment she planned

“Take three chapters a day from a novel

learn a language, perhaps French or Russian

and we’ll try to correct the impairment

that’s afflicted you since your concussion.

But don’t be down-hearted, chin up.

I’m sure that we’ll soon have you fixed

If you follow the cure I’ve advised,

Your idioms should come unmixed.

It’s the fault of that dog’s careless owner,

Such behaviour is simply outrageous,

He ought to have kept his dog to leg

Oh no! I think you’re contagious!”