Author: John1968

  • The Ghost of Fortune Street

    I am the ghost of Fortune Street Your local Primary My grave was in an open field Then they built a school on me For centuries I was content To glide behind the ploughs Or if I felt some devilment To agitate the cows It wasn’t much, I will admit To keep this spirit up…

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  • Lessonitis

    I’m angry with art and fed up of Spanish Frankly I wish that D.T would just vanish Computing is cringe and P.E makes me sick History and Geography get on my wick English is driving me slowly insane R.E is causing me physical pain I wish that mathematics could just disappear And P.S H.E makes…

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  • The Sorry Tale of Oliver Trott

    This is the story of Oliver Trott A vile, revolting child Whose snacking made his mother ill And drove his father wild Manners for most, are simple things Following them is easy But what and how this creature ate Made others feel quite queasy Tinned sardines in custard sauce Marshmallows served with gravy To watch…

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  • Snacking With Sally

    Sally Parks ate anything Post-it notes, bits of string Pencil shavings and erasers Buttons off your new school blazer Gravel, pebbles, rocks and stones Staplers, pens and mobile phones Hair she pulled from Barbie dolls Shampoo, soap and aerosols Toilet paper off the roll Bits of wood and lumps of coal Chairs and tables, wardrobes…

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  • Hippos

    It’s said that hippopotamuses Can weigh as much as minibuses Despite this quite enormous size A hippo rarely eats a pie And though he’d eat your garden whole He’ll pass up on a sausage roll Just as well ‘cause on those legs He’d never make it down to Greggs

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  • Family Tree

    ‘For homework this week,’ Miss Shaw told the class, You’ll be making a family tree Talk to your relatives, write it all down And return it by Monday to me So Kelly got started with ruler and pens Recording each adult and child She rang aunties and uncles to check on the facts And by…

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  • Eating Sweets, With My Sister In The Room – Every time

    Did you just steal a sweet from me? I thought I had one more I bet you pinched a strawberry one When I went to answer the door You did it again, I know you did Just then, when I looked away There’s one less sweet and I’m sure it was you I don’t care…

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  • Social Media For Dogs

    Adults my age are sometimes asked about life before the internet. Admittedly, in my case, such questions tend to be asked by twenty something daughters who correctly assume that I will enjoy being treated like the grandfather in the Werther’s Original advert. I have a stock answer that I roll out for such occasions involving…

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  • Appetite

    Mr Pamplemousse spread his ample form over the chair’s cushion and gave his napkin an ostentatious flick. Casting a glance around the room, he grasped his cutlery eagerly. He could hardly believe his luck! Last week he had been reporting on the Woman’s Institute outing and lost dogs and now he was the envy of…

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