Funny Stories


My class have been writing stories for the Radio 2 500 word competition and this was my attempt.

I’m worried about my sister.

Now I know that’s a fairly normal statement for a nine year old to make, so perhaps I should add some detail. I’m worried about my sister killing me….

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Jack Saves The Day

A children’s story with a central character who is more than a little autobiographical!

Jack was seriously annoyed. His friend Carly had texted last night to say she’d be playing ‘Alien Attacker 3’ today and he could go online to join in. Instead, his mother had announced she had to help mind the shop and that he needed to come with her. It wasn’t even their shop; it was his Aunty Jane’s, but his mum had promised to look after it while Aunty Jane went away for a long weekend….

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An eight chapter children’s story for lovers of dogs, ghosts and bad jokes.

Chapter 1

“And so,” said Mrs Chapman, “as part of our study of the local area, I’d like you to all find out about the history of one of Foxington’s old buildings.”

“Please Miss,” squealed Candice Snell, “I could write about my house. My house is very old, it’s much older than anyone else’s, and …”

Mrs Chapman smiled and carried on, “I’d like you to work in pairs and to …. Yes, Candice?”

Candice looked as if she had sat on a wasp, the way she was waving her arm around and turning purple. When she spoke, the words came out like water from a hosepipe and even Mrs Chapman couldn’t stop her this time.

“My father says our house is a fine example of Georgian architecture and it’s worth at least three quarters of a million and …” Candice paused as she looked around the classroom, “I’ll work with Helen Cargill.”

I didn’t mind Candice not picking me, in fact I was glad she hadn’t, but it annoyed me the way she didn’t give Helen a chance to choose herself. Helen was so quiet, I doubt if she’d get to do anything on the topic herself. Simon Marny started to mouth, “Shall we work together?” at me, while Miss told us what the report should be like. I nodded back and was just trying to figure out what building we should choose, when we were sent out for break….

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100 Word Monster Stories

Two stories I wrote as examples for pupils asked to write a story involving a monster in exactly 100 words.

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Castle Park Creatures

 My school, Castle Park in Kendal, has lovely grounds and I imagined what some of the animals who live there might get up to when the children go home. 

It was a late summer’s evening in the grounds of Castle Park and tucked away in the long grass under a beech tree, a group of animals lay together. A stout badger with a grizzled grey snout, a pair of excitable young squirrels, a round hedgehog and a tiny brown mouse with quivering whiskers. They were discussing the children and adults they’d secretly watched that day from amongst the branches and long grass.

“I’m sure I don’t understand the big ones,” said Prickles the hedgehog, “In the morning they stagger in carrying boxes and bags and then in the afternoon they take them away.”

“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it,” replied Benson the Badger in a gruff voice, “that’s their bedding. We badgers do the same thing. Those boxes will be full of dead leaves and dry grass and when it gets smelly they take it away.”

Benson finished with a “Humph” as if he had stated an obvious fact and there was nothing more to be said on the matter….

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No Laughing Matter

A story that imagines what happens when terrorists get wise. Suitable for 11+ children and adults.

“Base, this is 6-4 Alpha 12. Comm  check; over.”

“Loud and clear Alpha 12, what have you got?”

“I.A.D. alright, ‘bout the size of a wheelie bin – looks tricky.”

“Okay, keep in touch and be careful.”

Be careful, be careful! What the hell did they expect him to do, – bang it with a stick? He’d been on tour for five months as a bomb disposal operative and this was the eleventh time he’d taken the long walk away from his unit. Eleven times he’d walked away on his own and ten times he’d walked back without a scratch. Some of it skill, a lot of it dumb luck. Just last week he’d seen a good man, Echo 9, sent home on a stretcher, barely recognisable to those who’d known him for years….
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The Assembly

A story about putting on a children’s assembly. Hopefully it contains some characters that teachers and children will recognise!

Miss Jennings looked at her reception class and sighed. It was their assembly for parents this afternoon and they were nowhere near ready. Mind you, she thought, they could practice for another week and they still wouldn’t be ready. She just hoped the mums and dads would be too busy oohing and aahing over their little ones to notice any mistakes and that the children remembered to go to the toilet before the performance. Last year’s assembly on underwater animals had got a little too wet and she didn’t want a repeat of that.

Along the benches, sat twenty eight 4 and 5-year-olds with shining, innocent faces. Or at least they would have looked innocent if Miss Jennings hadn’t known them as well as she did. Take, for example, Katy who was sitting at one end of the benches looking like an angel. Yesterday she had found her sticking gold stars to Rosie the class rabbit. Miss Jennings shook her head as she remembered the little girl’s explanation. “I’m making her look pretty Miss; she’s going to a party.”

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Mr Pamplemousse spread his ample form over the chair’s cushion and gave his napkin an ostentatious flick. Casting a glance around the room, he grasped his cutlery eagerly. He could hardly believe his luck! Last week he had been reporting on the Woman’s Institute outing and lost dogs and now he was the envy of his profession – restaurant critic to the Mercury. God bless Mr Dryden and his perforated ulcer.

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